The Rant that begins it ALL

This is the start of the rest of it , I guess.
Today I got more than a nudge from my better half to do something about the lack of rants in my communication. It started how holed up our talks have been over the past month or so. She wanted a change, wanted to grow, and I was at the Kick butt end of it. Guess I should be. I rarely talk to her about the rest of the world. I seem too focused, almost like a tool, and shes a free bird , hovering above all terrotories restless on a single branch.
No, this is not going towards 'the how amicably we broke because we were different' end.
But she did get me thinking, other than my work , how do I affect things in the world. And I did realise even though I was bothered about the issues of humanity and rest, in my day to day life I mirrored out to be a self centred person.
I know that I am not someone with his head up his ass. But I do need to communicate all that stuffed up jargon.
So thats that.
And here I am, talking about something that starts with my work but then branches out.
Heres an excerpt of a conversation I had with a friend of mine yesterday.
HINA k: sir, he wishes to ask
bhanusbane: go on , dont be shy
HINA k: did u suffer sm kinda trauma in ur childhood or youth??
HINA k: lol
bhanusbane: ahhh well , now dearie , thats a long story
bhanusbane: actually we have to go back 22 years back for that
HINA k: heheheheheheheeh
bhanusbane: no seriously
HINA k: on a serious note... he ws actually curious to knw y is it dt u r so much into murders n slaughtering n stuf
bhanusbane: I was being borne, the midwife said" such an angel" , then a noise comes and she says , yet again" oops I think that I bumped it on the head"
bhanusbane: true, scout's honorbhanusbane: seriously though, cuz I am just reflecting society thats all
HINA k: hmmm
bhanusbane: and I am not even talking about murders
bhanusbane: just our desensitized mentality of ours towards the loss of lose and innocence
HINA k: ahhhh
HINA k: dts so much like an artist speakin
HINA k: wts wid u
bhanusbane: loss of love*
HINA k:
bhanusbane: well yeah, its a serious thing, the rigors of modern life does make humans more selfish,
bhanusbane: and I am sensitive to all this, sensitive to this thing where everybody talks about the rat race and the " my personal space" the more the world seems to shrink the more space we want
HINA k: ahem ahem...
HINA k: ok
bhanusbane: ahhm on a roll today
HINA k: woah.....!!!
HINA k: dt ws heavy
bhanusbane: well i know that women from my mum times didnt suffer from gynae problems(related to menopause) in their late 20s, I dont see any techonlogy making people happier, its just that we are getting too materialized to meet our spiritual needs, I am a just a filter reflecting that
bhanusbane: mum's time*

Obviously the conversation became too heavy for that moment and I wanted to go on about it and my friend had to split.

I really wanted to tell her that the reason why I do this is not because I am de sensitized to the regular pleasant stimulus around and I have to reach to extremities for my sensual satisfaction. Infact I think its about being overtly sensitive to the vibes of our times, and I do long for a peaceful time, like , I think I would have been a landscape painter if I were born in countryside. The connection with the nature there is so profound, its fills yer lung with life. I wish I had that. And I dont want to paint any painterly picturesque bullshit right now, we must see what we have made of ourselves and our society.

Actually I feel a hightened sense of dissatifaction among us, I am no exception . And I sense that same thing when my better half says about lack of growing. Why is there a need to grow, why is there a need for "MY SPACE" (pun intended) ? Whats wrong in just being?
Maybe I am wrong, maybe in todays time , being involves these characteristics. The need for growth has something to do with survival instincts getting rebuild for a future thats insecure and somehow we subconsciously understand that. I see lots of people of my parents time and that hurry seems to be missing, the flow of life and the vitality of inanimated objects can felt around them. I know only a few people of our times who can instill that sort of stillness in their environment.
So its not that I am calling todays society a bane on itself, but It can be termed as Kinetic energy. That is, the movement of vibes these days bring that restless tension around and the people in motion who also bring the modernity to its peaks, cause the the moving force to affect us.
I would say that India has only been modern in the last almost 15 years. Since the gates of economy and commerce in early 90s opened and the trade of not only the monetary type but also the cultural type started taking place on multipel levels. Maybe the flow of trade converted the potential here into kinetic.
So where is this essay leading, It seems like its going in a circle , but its only in a circular motion that potential and kinetic energy are equal. Maybe thats what is called balance. Maybe we need to grow and have the need to grow and also have the motional rest.
Maybe its okay to grow and being restless , but its ok for my paintings to be grotesque and restless too???